The Day the Totally Awesome Clyde Donovan Finally Got the Guy
by notidkgba27
Summary: "For good measure Cartman stuffs both of his hands into the pockets of his coat and if Clyde could then he'd be jealous of how quickly he's able to compose himself but he isn't because Clyde's still worried. His one and only might die of boredom at any moment, Cartman wants his money, and now Butters thinks he's gay which he is though it's definitely not for Cartman."


**A/N: For Technical Technicalities because she's cool and it was her birthday once.**

Clyde was desperate in a way that he'd never experienced before. Yeah, he'd had intense cravings in the past but those had been easily tamed with a quick stop at the nearest Taco Bell, which unfortunately for him wasn't all that near and coincidentally had nothing to do with this story, and anyways even the Holy Grail of all fast food restaurants couldn't satisfy him. Nope, the only thing that could relieve him was Craig Tucker, his best friend, the love of his life, and the most apathetic asshole he had ever met. He wasn't even sure how these feelings had come to be and it must have been a cruel joke being played by a greater power but there was just something about the boy that made Clyde's heart beat in a very homosexual manner.

Making things worse was the fact that Clyde Donovan was Clyde Donovan, a hopeless dork who was such a loser that he couldn't even be called 'adorkable' but was still under the impression that he was a perfect ten, the news that he had never truly been number one on that list having never reached him, and under this illusion he was sure that if he played his cards right he'd have Craig all to himself though he wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do with him if he was ever so lucky.

It was all just an assumption but Clyde was certain that having a boyfriend and having a girlfriend were two very different things. He had experience with the latter, it being the two days that he dated Bebe in the third grade, but boys were a whole other playing field and the likely hood of Craig being wooed by cheap knock off shoes was rather low.

However Clyde liked to think of himself as a master of romance, a more honest title being a player and not even a very good one either at least according to the female population of South Park. Point is that he had a plan of getting into Craig's heart and eventually, if all went well, his pants.

That's why he was standing here now at the end of the line to his favorite ice cream shop. He took a quick peak over his shoulder, happy to see that Craig was right where he had left him, sitting at a table looking bored as hell. He'd rather have Craig in a more enthusiastic mood but even he knew not to expect miracles, though the fact that Craig had even tagged along with him today was a miracle itself.

If there was something that Craig wasn't fond of it was crowds and though Clyde would love some company while waiting he's not about to push his luck. Craig's probably already unhappy with the weather since it was surprisingly hot today though that didn't stop him from wearing that hat of his or from taking off his jacket.

That's the one thing that Clyde's never going to understand about Craig, or at least one more thing that he'll never understand. They might be different in a lot of ways but Clyde figured that it worked in his favor since the whole 'opposites attract' thing totally worked in real life.

The thing about Clyde though was that he was a genius and being the genius that he was of course he had come up with a back-up plan just in case their differences turned out to be a turn off and what could be a better back-up plan than ice cream? Sure he had no idea what flavor of ice cream that Craig would prefer but chocolate seemed like a decent flavor. It was Clyde's favorite anyways.

There were tons of reasons why Craig belonged with him and Clyde knew them all, a major one being that hot dudes like themselves belonged together. He gives Craig another look and just like before Craig was still hot. Maybe other people were too focused on his dull eyes, braces, the cluster of acne on his temples, and his middle finger in their face but Clyde could see past all that. Luckily Clyde had nothing to worry about since he was just as hot and the moustache that he was in the process of growing out would only add to his sexiness.

At the age of fourteen Clyde was becoming a man and just like any other man he had manly needs that hopefully Craig would be happy to help fulfill. Clyde was aware of the repercussions of thinking such things but right before his fantasies could really get good Craig suddenly looks up, narrowing his eyes at Clyde as if he could tell what he was thinking of and didn't approve.

Clyde's cheeks turn red and all he can do is give a little wave that's returned with a middle finger. He sighs and looks away hoping that he hasn't just blown his chance. He didn't see why this was so hard. Craig was gay, had come out in the seventh grade, and maybe Clyde wasn't exactly 'out' out about his sexuality but he had just thought that since they were liked guys that the attraction should just be instant. Perhaps Craig's gaydar was broken or maybe Clyde didn't act gay enough?

Those sorts of questions are a constant in Clyde's head and he's no closer to figuring out the answers then he was back when he first started wondering why Craig wasn't his boyfriend yet.

Luckily Clyde wasn't one to give up easily and that stubbornness along with his stupidity was sure to win Craig over and when he dares yet another peak out of the corner of his eyes he's actually rewarded with the sight of Craig looking right back at him, unaware that he had been caught.

Clyde decides to play it cool and runs his fingers through his hair in a totally sexy way or at least in a way that would've been sexy had it not been for his fingers getting caught in the tangles of his not so well-groomed locks. He pulls a bit harder and his hand is free though a bit greasy from the sweat of his scalp. He makes a mental note to take more showers and to start washing his hair because if he really wants to wow Craig basic hygiene is a must.

Unfortunately he no longer has Craig's attention, which hopefully means that Craig didn't catch his failed attempt at seduction, and he doesn't even have to turn to see what it is that has captured Craig's attention because he hears it already or more accurately hears _him_.

There's a mumble of curse words and suddenly he has company which was something he had just wanted moments ago but was now wishing he didn't have. Eric Cartman though isn't one to pick up on such feelings and if he ever did he'd be one to ignore them and Clyde knows it.

Both boys give each other a quick once over and it seems as if Cartman is thinking up something, his lips turned up into a look that Clyde is unable to interpret. Whatever it was that Cartman was planning it ultimately seemed that Clyde wasn't what he was looking for because now he's mouth is set in an obvious frown and it would probably be best if Clyde just faced forward and ignored him but Clyde isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.

"Hey, uh, Cartman, what's up?"

Clyde's used to the look that Cartman gives him, eyes narrowed and frown set, because he receives it a lot mainly from Craig and pretty much from everyone he comes into contact with. Over Cartman's shoulder he can see Craig watching them intently, head tilted, and he actually sort of looks…. _cute_. Well as cute as Craig can get anyway.

Cartman isn't exactly Craig's favorite person so much so that just speaking to him might put him in bad terms with Craig and that's the last thing he wants. At the same time he doesn't really get the rivalry that's been going on between "Craig's gang" and "Stan's gang" though that doesn't stop him from being a proud supporter of team Craig.

The boy lets out a heavy sigh as if speaking to Clyde is a chore, which it honestly is even Clyde knows that, before crossing his arms over his chest and looking at him with a bored expression that could only be rivaled by Craig's neutral one.

"What's up? I'll tell you 'what's up'. I'm fucking stuck at the end of this gayass line and to make it even worse I'm stuck behind you of all people!"

By the end of that rather rude response Cartman's stance is much different no longer cool and relaxed. His arms are by his side after having flailed in a sudden burst of anger and his bangs having fallen to cover his eyes. He gives a small huff of air upwards, blowing his hair out of his face and mumbles a few more choice words under his breath.

Clyde isn't so sure how to react to that. He's no good at conflict and even if he was any other insult might make him break out in tears and that's the last thing he wants to happen. He forces a sympathetic smile and just shrugs his shoulders.

"Well, it could be worse."

Cartman rolls his eyes and Clyde at least has the self-respect to turn away when he begins mimicking him in that high-pitched voice that Cartman reserves for times like these. He's not even sure why he ever entertained the thought that Cartman, who was easily the fattest jackass to have ever been conceived, would be capable of having a normal conversation.

Clyde's a nice guy even if he is just little, by which I mean **really**, self-centered but he's not nice enough to put up with Cartman or stupid enough to turn back when Cartman starts tugging on his sleeve. He only turns back after the second time of Cartman trying to get his attention.

"What?"

"I'm short like two dollars."

He's holding out his hands expectedly but Clyde just isn't sure what he could be expecting, isn't sure why Cartman is still bothering to talk to him even when it's obvious that they don't like each other much.

"Come on, Clyde, don't be a butthole. Pay up."

"No, dude."

"Clyde, give me two dollars you gaywad."

"No."

"Clyde, don't be like that!"

He's got his hands reaching for his back pocket because it's really only a matter of time before Cartman convinces him to give him the money and if he waits any longer Cartman might just be able to talk him into giving him all his money. Right as his fingertips feel the material of his wallet he sees Craig staring back at him, his head shaking in disapproval.

Now in reality Craig could be shaking his head in disapproval at just about anything, the children that were running by his table unsupervised, the long line that Clyde was in that just didn't seem to be moving, but Clyde could feel something, a pang in his heart that it was meant for him. Even though Clyde is hardly right about anything

Two dollars could change a lot between him and Craig and he doesn't even bother to think about how ridiculous that is he just tucks his wallet back into his pocket and actually manages to look semi-cool when he looks up at Cartman.

"Get your own money."

Cartman puts his hands up, signaling him to calm down as his brows knit together. He didn't expect for Clyde to suddenly grow a back bone and now it seems that he's going to actually have to try to get money off of him just when he thought he could just take the money and cut in front.

"Woah, woah, Clyde, no need to get greedy. It's just two dollars."

"I'm not getting greedy. I just… I just need the money for myself."

"Just tell me this. In your wallet right now do you have enough money for a cone and then some?"

"S-Some what?"

Funny enough that same question had just been on Clyde's mind as well but it seems as if Butters was the one to ask it, the blond materializing out of nowhere and looking between the both of them a bit confused and dazed. It's the same expression that Clyde often wears and now that he's finally able to see it on Butters' face he has a realization of how much stupider it must look on his own considering that he doesn't have any of Butters' boyish good looks to distract others.

Well, at least Clyde's got his sex appeal that he's sure of. He's also plenty certain that now that Butters is here Cartman will leave him and his money alone only that's not the case because Cartman's still got his eyes set on him as if he's trying to communicate with him telepathically. He must not know that Clyde lacks whatever it is that allows people to do that because if he was able to talk without words then he'd much rather talk to Craig who's looking more bored than he was a minute ago which Clyde didn't really think was possible.

"Ahem."

Cartman simultaneously captures both boy's attention though it's clear it's only one of their short attention spans that he wants and Clyde swallows a bit too harshly because it's him. Cartman wants him for something and that's a bit terrifying considering the type of person that Cartman is: mean, manipulative, and much smarter.

He's holding out his hand again, his eyes moving from his palm to Clyde seemingly still set on getting those two dollars. Of course Butters doesn't know any of that since he had arrived later and he gasps, blue eyes even wider than usual as he brings hand over his mouth in shock.

"Eric, are ya tryin' to hold Clyde's hand?!"

Clyde's and Cartman's reactions are simultaneous, perfectly in sync as their cheeks burn and their faces mirror Butters' shock.

"Wh-What?! Of course not don't be such a dumbass. Clyde just owes me money that's all."

For good measure Cartman stuffs both of his hands into the pockets of his coat and if Clyde could then he'd be jealous of how quickly he's able to compose himself but he isn't because Clyde's still worried. His one and only might die of boredom at any moment, Cartman wants his money, and now Butters thinks he's gay which he is though it's definitely not for Cartman.

"Clyde if ya owe him money ya ought to pay him. Eric charges interest, ya know."

"But I don't-"

"Come on, Clyde, it's not like you need two cones. I mean, I didn't want to say anything but you're starting to look a little, how should I say…. _fat_ and if that's the look you're going for then who am I to stop you? The only thing is that someone might not be all that into that husky look."

Clyde can feel his face burn and he doesn't know how Cartman found out about his crush on Craig but he can at least be thankful that he didn't say his name out loud. Still though Cartman's smirk of self-satisfaction across that fat face of his isn't exactly reassuring.

"Oh, we're talkin' bout Craig right? Ya still haven't told him ya like him, Clyde?"

"What?! I don't like him. He's just my…"

It wasn't intentional but Clyde's voice just sort of fades away because it's hard to lie about that gay feeling in his heart especially when he's looking right at Craig, the boy who's responsible for creating that feeling. He can't even see the Tucker kid's pimply face, he's buried it into the crook of his elbow and while he's probably not actually sleeping the visual still manages to make Clyde blush a little harder. He looks away when the unevenness of Butters' voice breaks through to him.

"Ya should tell him ya like him. M-Maybe he'd feel the same?"

Cartman actually laughs at that and Butters surprisingly slaps his arm without consequence, his furrowed brows and set frown bringing Cartman's laughter down a notch as he rubs at his injured arm.

"Eric, don't laugh that's real mean! Clyde's got a crush an' we should be supportive of him."

"Supportive of what, him being a fag?"

He gets another slap from Butters for that response and if Clyde had any ounce of self-respect then he'd be the one standing up for himself but he doesn't. He's not very smart per se but even he knows the kinds of things that Cartman could do with the information he has on him. He could tell Craig for instance and that would probably be the worst possible thing.

Craig has a sort of kink for being appreciated that's for sure but when it comes to actual feelings Craig tends to get a bit apprehensive meaning a middle finger to the face followed by him stalking away. Though Clyde definitely has a fetish for Craig's habit of flipping people off and though he does enjoy sneaking peaks at his ass he wouldn't enjoy being abandoned at the mall with Cartman and Butters for company.

"Ya should be supportive of him 'cause he's our friend."

Cartman doesn't laugh at that, instead licks his lips and peeks at Clyde from the corner of his eyes and Clyde can't help but feel that he's no longer in this conversation but just listening in on theirs. He's strongly considering that just giving Cartman his money and returning to Craig empty-handed and broke would be a much better option than hanging around. Of course Cartman ends up fucking up his chances at getting Clyde's money when he starts talking.

"I was being nice. I was giving him advice that if he really wants to suck Craig's dick then he should cut back on the sweets and loose a few pounds."

Clyde's hand subconsciously goes to his stomach which has been getting much softer than he'd like to admit. However even if his body isn't ideal he knows he hasn't reached Cartman's level of obesity. He's pretty sure that Cartman can't even see his own dick with all his fat but he doesn't dare say that out loud even he knows better than to call Cartman out on the obvious.

"But, Eric, you're f-fat too, ya know."

There's a collective moment of silence and Clyde is pretty sure that this is it for the blond bimbo and that it's surprising he even lasted this long considering his friendship with Cartman but there's no outburst not even a single slur. Just Cartman turning red and him looking at a loss for what to say other than his usual mumble of him being not fat and just big boned.

Butters turns to Clyde without giving Cartman the tiniest look of sympathy and his face is set in a stern look much more serious than what one would expect from Butters.

"An' you Clyde if ya owe Eric money you best pay up."

The Stotch kid has a hand on his hip and the other held out, a practical repeat of Cartman's stance earlier, and it would be funny how much of a mimicry Butters was if it wasn't for the annoying fact that Clyde didn't owe any money to Cartman who was focused on the blond with a look that Clyde couldn't quite describe.

"Clyde doesn't owe him anything. Cartman was just being his usual annoying self."

Though the words were stated point blank in Craig's usual monotone they still manage to send a shiver of warmth down Clyde's spine and the brunet looks behind himself to see Craig standing there both hands in his pocket as he the two locked eyes for a split second. Craig looks away quickly from Clyde though and setting his sight on Butters and Clyde feels a bit hurt from being moved on from so quickly but then again even he can admit that the smile that was instantaneous on his face from seeing Craig was probably pretty darn stupid looking.

Butters takes a sudden step back obviously intimated though the blond is always intimidated about one thing or another and bites at his lip, Cartman taking one look at the boy before standing a bit straighter and Clyde's certain that he can see him suck his gut in even if it doesn't make much of a difference.

"Fuck off, Craig. This is between us and Clyde."

Clyde catches the way Butters perks up when Cartman includes him with that simple 'us' and immediately he's back into lackey mode, a small smirk on his face as he nods his head and says a simple 'yeah' meeting Cartman's gaze before the two look back to Craig who's looking unimpressed with the duo. So unimpressed in fact that he doesn't even bother with a response just turns his back to them and looks at Clyde.

"Did you get your cone yet?"

Even though that answer should be obvious to the both of them considering that they're still in line Clyde looks down at both of his hands before looking back up with a head shake and a slight frown.

"No..."

"Hey, I'm still waiting for my money over here."

With Craig now in between him and Cartman, Clyde now feels secure enough to finally speak up on the matter. He looks over Craig's shoulder but takes note of the fact that Craig's still got his eyes on him.

"I don't owe you shit. You just want money for another cone, fatass."

Cartman looks like he's about to burst but before he can begin with his tirade Butters interjects, tilting his head and looking up at Cartman.

"Eric, if ya needed to borrow some money ya could've just asked me even if ya do owe me a whole bunch already I'm always here for you."

To top off just how cheesy that scene is Butters even places a hand on Cartman's forearm and if Cartman was red before he's somehow managed to turn even brighter, his mouth opening and closing without any words to fill the silence before he simply turns his head.

"Whatever, asshole, maybe I just wanted to pay for once."

Craig actually turns around at that and Butters is blush is small but noticeable all three boys shocked by something as simple as someone wanting to pay for themselves.

Butters sucks in his bottom lip a bit before smiling, letting out a few giggles that get Cartman looking right back at him.

"Well, shucks, Eric, if you're offerin' to pay for me that's awful nice of you."

He's still looking up with a wide grin and Cartman is looking like he's been caught red-handed, his lips slightly parted in his own disbelief. Luckily Craig's decided he's had enough of those two and drags Clyde away and even if all that was a bit nauseating to see Clyde can't help but look back at the two, Butters smiling as Cartman tries his best to not look like he's been blushing like an idiot with a crush on the dorkiest kid at school.

Clyde's so caught up on those two boys that it takes him a bit longer to realize that the boy who's leading him away, the boy he has had liked for so fucking long is holding hand. Well, more like holding him by the wrist but Clyde will take what he can get at this point, walking only the tiniest bit slower than Craig so that Craig won't feel the need to let him go too soon.

With one hand currently being occupied with Craig's he's quicker to remember that his other hand is empty and the slight growl in his stomach reminds him of what he had been spending time waiting for when he could have been spending that time with Craig instead.

"Um, Craig?"

"Hmm?"

Clyde stops walking and pulls Craig back a bit to get his attention.

"We didn't get any ice cream yet."

Craig takes a moment to process that before looking down at their hands and though he doesn't exactly blush there is a bit more color in his face than usual as he pulls his hand away and stuffs it back into his pockets.

"My mom called she's waiting for me in the parking lot."

"Oh."

Clyde isn't sure what to say to that and just wishes that Craig's hand was still holding his and he wonders if his silent longing is just as obvious as that oversized asshole who was still probably in line for ice cream. The thing is though that Clyde doesn't want to have that in common with Cartman or anything else for that matter. Some of their similarities such as weight and hair color can't be changed at this very moment but there is one thing that can be and it might be a bit idiotic but Clyde feels pretty proud of himself for actually thinking up a plan.

It's sudden and it catches Craig off guard but he's grabbed the boy by his waist and he's pulling him forward or at least that was the plan. For being on the scrawny side Craig is surprisingly pretty set in place not budging at all even when Clyde tries a few more times actually grunting from effort.

"Uh, Clyde, what are you doing?"

"I, uh…."

Clyde finally gains enough decency to let go of Craig and he's biting his lips and inwardly cursing at himself for being so fucking awkward.

"If this is about your, uh, crush on me…"

The brunet's face burns suddenly and harshly and he's looking up at Craig with urgency because he didn't really think Craig knew and know that he had said it himself Clyde wasn't sure how to handle it with anything other than an obviously fake laugh.

"C-Crush on _you_? Ha, Craig of course I don't-"

"So you don't like me?"

It would be so much easier if Craig wasn't currently looking at him with what seemed like disappointment because Clyde is a sucker for a pretty face especially if it's Craig's. He takes a deep breath and as he releases it he simultaneously gives his confession in a blur.

"Idolikeyou."

He didn't know what he had expected, maybe for Craig to just forget about this conversation of for him to just leave but what he doesn't expect is the reaction he receives. Craig's eyes are wide and his face is just as red as Clyde's. He's got his mouth open to say something but after a couple of moments of silence he just licks his lips and shuts his mouth. When he finally looks down at his feet, one of them kicking at the floor, Clyde isn't sure what to expect or what to feel. There's relief at having revealed his feelings but there's also that feeling of wanting to puke up the leftover pizza he had for breakfast that morning.

"I, uh, like you and I think you're, like, cool and I think I'm cool and it would just be cool if we could, uh, be c-cool together?"

Clyde's voice hitches at that last word and he's about to slap himself over asking out Craig like that because this is Craig fucking Tucker and he's certainly not going to be impressed with such a childish request.

"You're so fucking stupid Clyde."

Craig's looking up now but not at him, his eyes set on the wall beside them. He takes off his chullo hat before running his fingers through his dark hair and bites down on his lip, his braces looking especially shiny under this light.

"But, um, I like stupid things and I, uh, think you're cool too."

Like stated earlier Clyde had never been with a boy and had certainly never asked one out but that seemed to be a pretty positive response considering that Craig was now smiling that tiny little small, his thin lips curved upwards and his hair sticking up awkwardly from his fingers having gone through it.

If Clyde could then he'd kiss every single pimple on Craig's face but of course he wouldn't because Craig would definitely flip him off and leave him here for just acknowledging his acne and anyways it's Craig who goes in for the kiss, one hand cupping his cheek as the other rested on his shoulder.

It's short and it's over before Clyde can try any of the techniques that he had been spending years practicing on his arms but it's enjoyable and warm and he even manages to get a hand back on Craig's waist before he pulls back.

Craig's mouth might not be on his anymore but it takes a while before Clyde manages out a breathy 'wow' even more warmth building up in his stomach and if it wasn't for Craig's hand on his face he might have been worried that it was just his indigestion kicking back up but he's got other things to focus on like Craig's thumb brushing against his lip or more accurately above his lip.

"You should shave this weird thing off if you want to be, you know, k-kissing me."

Though Clyde is slightly offended at having his totally awesome facial hair be referred to as a 'weird thing' he can't help but note just how cute Craig looks right now, still flushed and obviously trying to keep up an act of indifference while failing miserably.

There's the sudden sound of a generic ring tone and Craig's hands move off from Clyde who also more reluctantly lets Craig go. The darker haired boy squints at the screen and groans before meeting Clyde's dazed expression.

"I've got to go but, um, yeah…"

Clyde just nods and watches as Craig pats his shoulder awkwardly before walking off by himself and when Craig sneaks a look back at him from over his shoulder Clyde remembers Craig's earlier request.

The brunet cups his hands around his mouth to achieve an echo effect so that Craig can hear him.

"Craig!"

Despite all the distance between them he manages to capture not only the teenaged boy's attention but the attention of a couple passerbyers as well.

"I don't want to but for you I'll shave it off!"

He points to his face and Craig looks absolutely mortified as the strangers who's attentions Clyde had captured all turned to him.

It takes him a moment to get himself together but once he does Craig simply flips him off and pull his hat back out from his jacket pocket, putting it on, and stalking off towards the parking lot.

Clyde just smiles.


End file.
